Con Views from a Con Virgin..GCLS 2013

I have read a few authors perspective on the GCLS Con.  I thought each of them were great in their own way!  I am going to offer my views from a reader’s perspective.  Thank you for taking time to read my little piece of the pie, so to speak.  If I leave someone out, do not take it personally.  It would take a whole book to describe everyone and everything.

My decision to go to the con was made over Facebook by conversing with someone who wanted to car pool.  We chatted a few times and the decision was made and I registered.  I had read all of the blogs and posts from last year and thought I would give it a go.  It took the prodding of many of Facebook friends to make this happen.  See the Con adventure story below.

The Adventures of Burnie and Dutch”, Beth Burnett and Mary “Dutch” Deutcher:

The adventure began when Beth arrived at my house very early in the morning on Weds.  We threw her stuff in the Jeep.  My daughter entertained her with a billion stories before we left all in the span of 30 minutes and we were on the road.  I had never met Beth in person before this.  The minute we got on the highway she zonked out.  I can’t imagine why.  She had only driven 12 hours to get to my house.  Good thing I had the radio to keep me company. Well, to show all what my road trip with Beth started out like, here are the pictures: 

 

Away We Go

 

 

See The Drool!!!!!

 

We kept Pam and Cheryl up to date all the way while we were on the road with texts and pictures.  When we arrived in Oklahoma, we stopped at the toll gate and the conversation went like this:

Toll Guy:  Four Dollars.  How are you?

Me:  Great, how’s it going?  Can you get the wind to die down a bit?

Toll Guy: You’re in Oklahoma….Deal with it!!!

Wow, he didn’t even crack a smile.  Oh well, on to Texas.

We arrived at the hotel already famous or infamous!!  We decided to enter the hotel looking like dorks.  It was cowgirl hats, sunglasses, shorts and sandals!  Yep, we embraced the tacky tourist dorkiness.  First person we run into, Isabella then Linda Kay Silva!  What really cracked me up is all the people who knew me and I didn’t know them….yet!  We checked in and let the Con begin!

The first night was meeting people all around.  I met Bev Prescott, Chris Paynter, The Lovely Miss Phyllis, Nikki Smalls and the list goes on.  It was crazy fun.  I had met most of these people on Facebook, but to finally meet them in person was really cool.  The next “meeting” crew was Jeanne Magill, Donna Wells and Salem West.  That was when the lovely picture taking began and never stopped.  Within the first 10 minutes of being in the lobby, I was up in someone bed!!!  It’s not what you think….or is it?

Guess who's bed I am in?

While at registration and meet and greet, my lovely daughter called.  She is 20 and should be able to handle things while I am away.  Apparently not.  I called her back.  The conversation is as follow:

Me:  Katrina, I am in a room full of hot lesbians.  What the heck do you want and why are you bothering me?

Katrina:  Mom, don’t do that to me!  I am at work and you are on speaker phone!

Needless to say, she never called the rest of the conference.  Back to the meet and great.  I guess I am totally like my Facebook persona because I met everyone I know and they said so.  This could be good or bad.  I am hoping it is good.

The lobby and the bar were “hang-out central.”   I met some awesome people and people I have connections friends outside the GCLS with.  There was also a group of MPs.   It was there I gave Donna Wells my camera, gave her a quick lesson, and let her go crazy.  It was photo bomb central and usually I am kind of shy, but I decided to let my hair down! If you believe that, I have a nice bridge to sell ya!  She was an awesome photographer and a lot of fun Every time we took her picture she was laughing!  She grabbed my camera on Karaoke night and at the Awards/Dance.  Thanks Donna for taking all those awesome pictures!

Army Military Police (MP)

The classes, panels, coffee chats and readings are what filled our days.  I enjoyed all of them and took something valuable from each.  I appreciate what all these women do.  Each author/writer has their own way and own personality.  I found myself at ease talking to each and every one.   There was always something to do an if you weren’t interested you could head out into the “dry” 100+ degrees of Dallas.  I chose the Con activities.

The author autograph session was cool.  They were willing to sign books that I had purchased over the years.  That was the best part.  The author with the largest stack for me was Gerri Hill.  She was very kind and signed them all the while carrying on a conversation with me.  That was too cool.  I even got to sign an autograph for someone.  Me, I am not famous! 

Look....I am famous

I was honored (I guess that’s the word) when I was invited to dinner with Isabella and the group from Sapphire.  It was lots of laughs and it was great to get to know everyone.  When we got back to the hotel, one of my friends asked how I scored dinner with Sapphire.  I said, “I got it like that!”  Not to mention, my traveling buddy is one of their authors too!

Karaoke was a total trip.  Usually I just watch everyone sing.  Not this time.  I was determined to “perform”.  I did a stunning duet with Liz McMullen which I relived hours later in the hotel room prompting a noise complaint from the front desk.  Dance, OMG, I danced.  The best dance, on the dance floor, was with Sherri Campbell.  She had some medical issues and was unsure if she would be able to dance at the Con.  Well, when I first walked into karaoke, she was the first dance for me.  After that things got wild.  There was a lap dance which was recorded and some incredible shaking of things on the dance floor.  The Con Virgin Ducks also had quite the evening!  They were well photographed in various poses.   It was an incredible evening.  I closed the bar with some incredible ladies and didn’t even have a drink! 

Schileen and Isabella

The one and only....Dutch

 

Before the awards banquet on Saturday, I got to eat dinner with four amazing women.  The service in the restaurant was amazing Andre was the coolest server.  After dinner it was a rush to get dressed.  I chose my Army Service Uniform or my dress uniform.  I don’t know how to dress up in anything else, so that is what I chose.  I walked into the reception and the room pretty much went quiet and then the oooohs and ahhhhs started.  It was just another day in uniform to me as it has been for almost 25 years.  The camera flashes started and I felt like a celebrity.  Thanks ladies.

Dinner

Liz McMullen and Me

Beth Burnett and Me...in a serious moment

The awards banquet was awesome.  I sat with Isabella, her wife Schileen, Beth, Andi Marquette, Linda Kay Silva, RG Emanuelle and a couple others.  At the beginning of the ceremony, the MC, Pennie, mentioned my name and service and gave a shout out to me and other women veterans.  That prompted a standing ovation.  Holy crap! When has that ever happened for lesbian veterans!  It was a moment like none other.  I stood proud and waived.  It was not my intention to have that done when I chose my attire and I thank Pennie and all the women in attendance for their support to the military and our veterans.  Ok, enough about that, on to the awards part.  When Linda Kay Silva won her award, our table went wild!!!!  Alan, most know who Alan is, went wild too!  Her acceptance speech was awesome.  I even got my picture with her!  We also went wild when Gerri Hill and Chris Paynter won.  Chris’ speech was so heartfelt that there was not a dry eye in the place.  Congrats to all the winners!!!!  As they wrapped things up, it was time to dance.

With Linda Kay Silva

I don’t think I have ever danced so much while in uniform.  I danced with everyone and had a blast doing so.  I was totally honored when Bev Prescott asked me to dance.  That was too cool.  She is a great dancer by the way, don’t let her fool you.  I sat out the last couple dances to visit with Chris and her wife The Lovely Miss Phyllis.  They are the most adorable couple.  You can see the love in their eyes.  Two amazing people that I am so happy to have finally met.  I was having such a good time I didn’t want the evening to end, but I did need to sleep eventually. Once again, I relived the dancing experience with my roomie.  No noise complaints this time.

Chris Paynter, Me and The Lovely Miss Phyllis 

There were no real goodbyes the next morning.  Just a lot of laughs and reliving some of the fun.  Most of what we said was, “See you in Portland, if not before.”  The ladies I met at the GCLS Con were amazing.  The amazing thing is that not all of them were there and I will get to meet many more at other events and at the next Con.  The best part is….I am no longer a virgin!!!!

One last note.  I spoke with my mother in the morning before we left and she had these words for all the ladies of the GCLS:

“To all the wonderful members of the Golden Crown Literary Society; I hope you all enjoyed your conference.  You are all beautiful, talented ladies.  Keep writing, the world needs your voice.”   Dutch’s Mom, aka The Kick in the Pants

As a final note: All my pictures appear on my Facebook.  Take time to take a look. 

 

Until Portland……..Dutch

Ps:  Bren Miller….are you packed yet?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mom's Italian Boyfriend

After eating in a quaint Italian ristorante in Rome, Italy, a stroll through the city was essential to walk off the pounds of pasta we had just eaten.  My mom and her best friend, Pat, had been tipping the vino at this local eatery and were feeling a bit wild.  At the ristorante, there was a guitar player who would play romantic music at the dining tables for tips.  Luigi, as we called him, was a 5’2” chunky fella with a voice as smooth a tenor.  Luigi was a looked a bit like Danny DaVito, only cuter with his rosy cheeks, slick hair and killer smile.  Luigi did not need a strap for his guitar because it rested on his belly as he went from table to table singing classic Italian songs.  Luigi approached our table with a smile and a song while gazing at mom and Pat.  Luigi gave the impression that he thought these two cougars were a catch, so he offered to walk us back to the hotel.  He was such a nice gentleman who didn’t speak a lick of English except a few words in a song.

We set out from the restaurant with Luigi in tow.  With his guitar resting on his belly, Luigi serenaded us through the streets of Rome.  The streets were alive in the evening with the outdoor cafes and people walking.  We walked for what seemed like forever and we saw the Trevi fountain.  There were couples, young and old, and others surrounding the fountain tossing coins in and making wishes.  The legend is if you toss a coin in the Trevi fountain, this assures a repeat visit to Rome.   

It was there that Luigi broke out into the Tom Jones classic “Delilah.”  Well, Mom and Pat knew all the words and were singing at the top of their lungs while leaning into the fountain and splashing the waters.  The sounds of the Tom Jones’ wannabes singing, “My , my, my, Delilah……Why, why, why, Delilah” could be heard above the fountain sounds.  The couples and other visitors smiled and some knew the words and joined in.  If they had put out a small bucket they would have probably earned a few Lire.   

When we reached the hotel, Luigi bid us farewell.  All he could say in English was goodbye,  but his actions spoke louder than any words ever could.  He kissed both ladies on the cheek, held the door open for them, and bowed.  Luigi made our Italian evening very special and will always be Mom’s Italian boyfriend.   Today, some 23 years later, I was speaking to my mom about Italy.  She said, “Ahhh, Luigi, what a sweet Italian man.  He was so cute!” 

Mom (KITP), Me (Dutch), Pat in Rome at the Hotel

1990

Peachie (Sister), Mom (KITP), Me (Dutch) at the Hotel

1990

The Fountain

1990

Luigi, Ah, He's so cute!!!!

1990

Our Best Friend Toby

Katrina and I want to tell you about our best friend. His name was Toby.  He was born in South Carolina.  He almost didn’t make it.  He was the last of the litter at a flea market and if he wasn’t sold he was going to the pound.  Here is a little bit about how he enriched our life. 

South Carolina

While walking through a South Carolina flea market I spotted two puppies for sale.  OMG, they were the cutest yellow labs ever.  One, a girl, was jumpy and hyper, and was entertaining little girl and her family.  The other puppy, a boy, sat there and gave a puppy-size bark and gave me those eyes; the irresistible puppy dog eyes.  I was hooked and $75.00 later, Toby was saved from going to the pound and became Katrina and my best friend.

Toby’s first years were fun.  When we brought him home, he was lazy.  We took him out to potty/house train him and he laid on the ground outside.  Took him a bit.  When he ate, he had his food bowl between his two front paws and he lay down and ate.  He was so funny and floppy.

About 6 months after we got him, Katrina tripped over him and broke her arm.  He thought he was in trouble.  He lay by her bed for days looking all worried.  Toby followed her everywhere.  Once, Katrina went to take him for a walk around the block.  Well, Toby wasn’t having it and lay down and wouldn’t go any further.  I had to go pick him up with the car.  Silly boy.

When I left for Korea, he suffered separation anxiety.  He wouldn’t eat and sat by the front door at 1700 daily waiting for me to come home from work.  6 months later I did come home.  He was so excited.  He jumped on me and sniffed my face to make sure it was really me.  He wasn’t mad, he was happy to see me.  Unfortunately I had to go back, but I reassured him I would come back home again.

Washington

Toby enjoyed the road trip across the country.  He got to see lots of different things on the way to Washington and adapted well to the move.  He was lucky and had the whole backend of the Expedition to himself.  He saw the Badlands, Mount Rushmore, the Columbia Gorge and much more. 

Once again, I had to leave to go to Iraq.  He was really protective this time and didn’t leave my side while I packed.  When I came home from Iraq he was so excited.  He is a true and faithful friend.  After getting back, he needed a procedure done on an ear infection.  We picked him up at the clinic and while driving home we thought he passed gas……nope.  Toby passed more than gas and we were grossed out!  What a Stinker!

Missouri

We didn’t know this would be his last stop.

When we would get home every day, Toby would hop around for a cookie and a pat on the head.  One time, we took him to the vet for a check-up.  He had a sense something was up.   When we got there he went flat out on the floor and wouldn’t move.  It was hilarious.  He looked like Rudolph, on the Christmas show, when he slid across the ice.  Legs flailing everwhere! He did the same thing on his trip to the doggie spa!  Silly boy!

After a while we introduced Lily.  Lily was a constant companion and those two were silly when it came to getting treats.  Toby knew the trick and Lily didn’t.  Toby would sit close by and when we would say paw to Lily, Toby would give us his paw.  I think he was trying to teach her.  He did a good job, she does it now.

These are just a few of the Toby stories.  He was a great protector and friend.  You see, Toby crossed the Rainbow Bridge today.  Run across the bridge boy!  Tramp, Sandy, Rusty and Jake are waiting to show you where the treat jar is.  You will meet many new friends. 

Thanks for being the best man in our life.  Mommy and Katrina will always love you and you will live forever in our hearts.

 

 

The Not So Frilly Dutch Goes to a Frilly Smelly Thing Chick Party

A few weeks ago I was invited to a party.  I normally jump at the chance to get out of the house, but I was a bit apprehensive this time.  I don’t usually go to these home sale parties.  I looked at my Facebook and clicked the “maybe” icon.  The party was a Scentsy (http://scentsy.com) party.  I had heard of them and maybe you all have too.  I thought, OMG, it is a frilly, smelly thing party.  EEK!!!

If anyone knows me by any interaction, you would know that my frilliness left during my school years.  Middle/High school that is.  I mean, I have worn dresses a couple of times since high school, under protest of course.  I have worn the requisite bridesmaid dresses.  You know the ones, the ones you will never wear again.  One in particular had a big huge bow on the butt!  I mean, who in their right mind would wear that again!  I wore a dress to a company Christmas party and then one to a New Year’s Eve party in Holland.  Then, of course, I wore one when I got married to the tool-box, my ex-husband blog to follow someday).  That is the extent of the frilly.  Now, the only dress I own is my uniform.  It is a clothing bag issue item for Army females.  Oh, and I have pumps. The things with heels!!!  They are the required one inch.  No higher or I might break my ankle because I have no idea how to walk in them!  That is the extent of the frilly me.  On to the Scentsy party.

The day before the party I decided to go, so I clicked the “going” icon on Facebook.  Like I said, I had heard of Scentsy before.  Hell, all the Army wives (not the show) talk about it around here.  They have to have something to talk about since we live in the middle of nowhere.  I sent the host a message and said I would be there with bells on!  She was excited and I am not about to let a friend down.  Besides, I hadn’t seen her, her husband or kids in a while.  I convinced myself that this would be fun!

The day of the party I came up with a funny name for it.  I called it “a smelly thingy to smelly up the house chick party gab fest.”  It is almost like a Tupperware party, but not.  I used humor to psych myself up.  No, really, I can have fun almost anywhere except a male strip club!  I would have fun there too if I had plenty of adult beverage liquid encouragement! Then, I would just laugh.

I was expecting a female consultant at the party, all other parties I have been to like this have had females.  I was wrong…it was a dude.  Well, I thought, times are a changin’.  He began to give his bio..married, retired from the Army (like we couldn’t tell because of the high and tight haircut), family, yadda, yadda.  He was very soft spoken.  I was like wow.  He looked like this burly dude, but practically whispered when he talked.  Kind of like he was trying to feminize his demeanor.  He was definitely in touch with his “feminine” side because he explained the scents and products with a soft, feminine air! I know all of this is stereotyping, but geez, he didn’t look like he should be selling the smelly girly stuff. 

There was one part of his bio that I had a hard time getting past.  He retired to stay here.  Don’t get me wrong, the place is nice enough, but I would like to shop somewhere other than Wal-Mart.  He talked of a higher power keeping him and his family here.  Strong magnet.  He kept going on and on trying to convince us.  I tried to stay attentive, but I sat near the snack table and the pineapple was more interesting.

All in all it was a fun party.  I stepped out of my “comfort” zone.  I left the party $75.00 poorer.  The good news is my house will now smell like a fresh baked cookie.  I just hope I don’t gain any weight from smelling it.  I couldn’t bear the thought of bringing home a frilly smelling scent.  The frilly smelly chick party was a success! 

2010 On assignment in Utah (NOT FRILLY)

1988 Bridesmaid (FRILLY Yuck)

Getting Lei’d and Doing the Hula

While in Hawaii, where do you take a woman who can’t dance?  Why to a luau of course!  They give free lessons on how to move your hips and more.  The one thing they don’t let you do is the ring of fire dance.  I wonder why?  Here is my story.  It’s all real, really!

When I returned from my tour in Iraq I took my then family to Hawaii on vacation.  One of the event’s not to be missed was the luau.  We signed up for the one recommended by the group we booked the vacation through.  Time to get ready.  How much time should it take, shirt, shorts, flip-flops and go!  Nope, not when you travel with “the girly girls,” they take forever!

The girls, minus the boys and me, wore those Hawaiian print wrap thingies that look like a sundress thing, but can be used for other things.  The technical name for it is….I don’t have a clue, ask a girl!  Women should know what I am talking about.  They also put a flower in their hair.  The boys and I were much more casual in our Hawaiian print shirt and shorts with flip-flops.  Ahhh, comfort.  You would never catch me in one of those thingies I was talking about.  All in all, we all looked frikken awesome!

It was time to head off for the luau adventure.  The one chosen is a very popular one on Oahu.  It is Germaine’s Luau.  Some of y’all may have heard of it.  The bus ride to Germaine’s was a trip.  The guide got us all pumped up for the evening.  I really perked up when she said we would get lei’d.

When we arrived, there were “alohas” all around and we got “lei’d”!  It was the second time I had gotten “lei’d” since we arrive in Hawaii!  That’s the most “lei’ing” than in the past……well that’s a story for another time!  In my mind I was thinking I need to move to Hawaii, you get “lei’d” all the time!  Wow, what a place!

Ok, I am done being sidetracked, back to the luau.  They did a traditional bury the pig roast ceremony.  That was pretty cool.  We ate traditional luau food and now it was time to dance it all off.  Mind you, the Longboard Beer was flowing very well through my veins at this point!  Time to hula!

The show began with a bunch of hula dancers.  Wow, wow, wow.  They could really move the grass skirt.   They guys did ok too.  The cultural heritage behind each dance was explained and the moves were explained.  That made the dances all that more beautiful.  After all of that it was audience participation time!

My daughter and I volunteered.  There were a few of us on stage.  We were freshly lei’d again (dang I love this place).  The basic moves were swaying your hips to the left and swaying your hips to the right.  Too easy, right?  Nope, I don’t sway!!  It is more than just the hips; you use your whole body.  Here we were a bunch of freshly lei’d, no rhythm women trying to hula.  I imagine if I had a grass skirt and a coconut bra I would have done better!  At least we could have gotten a good laugh.  So the whole dance was like a wiggle to the left and a wiggle to the right and move your arms in a flowing motion.  Holy Macarena that was hard!  Better yet, the boy got it on video!!!!!  I have hid the blackmail video though.  It is only for private viewing.

All in all it was a blast and the evening culminated with the “Ring of Fire” dance which was absolutely amazing.

The moral of the story, if you want to get lei’d a lot and like it, go to Hawaii.  If you want to learn to hula, buy a hula-hoop and practice before you go to a luau.  Always participate though because if you don’t you will miss out on an experience of a lifetime!!!!!

 

Hang Loose!! (note: Flower in hair!!)

 

 

Katrina (Daughter) wearing her thing with her Man!!  Lovely

 

The Hula Girl and I !!!! I need a coconut bra and grass skirt!

(note: person on left intentionally cropped out!!!)

 

Stay tuned for another adventure with Mama Bear Travels!!!!

She's With Me----Well, Not Really "With" Me

Time frame:  July 1995

Place: Reunion Arena, Dallas, Texas

Event: Melissa Etheridge-Yes I Am Concert

Persons involved: Me (married at the time to a man, on paper)

                                Peachie (my very straight sister)

My sister came to visit me in Texas while I was stationed there.  I really wanted to see the Melissa Etheridge concert.  Tickets were only $75.00 a piece, so we decided to go for it.  This was going to be fun.  My sister has no idea what she is getting into.

On concert day, we parked the truck (so stereotypical) and started to walk to the arena.  We decided that we were kind of hungry, so we stopped in what was supposed to be a pub.  Well, we were wrong.  It was a fancy restaurant.  Here is the thing, I am kind of crazy and when you add my sister into the mix we become downright Looney.  Well, they had these fancy napkins on the table.  We dissected each one to see how it was folded.  We asked the waiter to give us a class and he did.  By the time we were done we reassembled six swans!  How cool is that.  He earned a big tip for that one.  Now I will be able to “wow” everyone at dinner parties with my swan making abilities! (I couldn’t do that now if you paid me)

When we got to the arena it was packed. Oh My God, I have never seen so many lesbians in one place before.  I took one look at my sister and she was standing there with her mouth open and the “OMG” look on her face!  Priceless!  Peachie said, “Are all these people lesbians?”  Holy crap, I busted up laughing! There weren’t very many males there.  The only ones we saw were gay.  I think my sister was one of the only straight people there, besides the ticket takers.

We stood in line at a concession stand so I could buy a hat.  There was a gay couple behind us.  They kept talking to Peachie about her and me.  Finally she said, “We are sisters.” They laughed and said how cute.  She said, “No, we are really sisters, like biological sisters. Like we have the same mother.”  OMG, they busted laughing.  It took quite a bit of convincing that we were really sisters and that we were not "sisters."  Priceless.

Later on in the same line, some women started talking to my sister.  I watched for a while because I like watching my sister squirm.  Peachie kept looking at me with the “help” look and I just shrugged my shoulders laughing the whole time.  I thought it was funny that someone was putting the moves on my sister.  I finally decided to rescue her silly butt.  I turned around and said, “She’s with me.”  The women said cool and walked off.  My sister wanted to knock the crap out of me.  She still does to this day.  Poor, poor Peachie. 

The concert itself was awesome.  Our seats were pretty good.  We had second level, front row near a railing.  That meant not too much drinking, if you know what I mean.  Well, during one of the songs Melissa’s guitar player started doing a solo and she walked off the stage.   The next thing I knew, she was right in front of us. Like 5-10 feet! OMG!!!  You know what I about did, without having to type it here.  That part alone was well worth watching my sister squirm.

So, if you want to have a fun evening with your clueless, straight sister, take her to a concert where the majority of the attendees are lesbians.  You will have an unforgettable evening of laughs as you watch her with her mouth wide open in shock and while you watch her squirm.  It will be a memorable one, mine was!

The Hip-da-dip--The Percocet Adventure

The road to hip-da-dip!!!  Yes, it is the Percocet talking! 

January 4th, Katrina and I set out on our road trip to Columbia.  Not the country, but the city in Missouri.  I would have rather been going to the country!  My surgery wasn’t until Friday 0600, but it was a 2.5 hour drive.  I had to stop drinking and eating at midnight.  Driving 2.5 hours at 0400 with a 19 year old without eating or drinking, uh no, not happening.  That meant no coffee either.  I can’t go without coffee first thing in the morning.  So, we got a hotel. 

Before going to the hotel we did the normal thing we do when we go out of town, we ate out.  Texas Roadhouse was the restaurant of choice.   I needed fried pickles!!  Well, we pigged out and headed off to our other place to go when we get to a “real” city, the mall.  Katrina did her usual go nutso thing.  Me, I went to the bookstore and bought a book.  Imagine that.

The hotel was fun.  I drank as much juice, water and coffee I could before midnight.  The beds were extra comfy.   I woke at 0515 and showered and got ready to go.  It was D-day!!  Time to fix the hitch in my giddy-up.

Check in procedures was normal.  The Orthopedic Center looks like an office building, not a hospital.  We checked in and answered and whole bunch of questions.  I was assigned number 499…this is important.  Katrina had to watch the video screen which updated patient’s status by their assigned number.  Hey, they called my name.  Time to get fixed…well sort of.

The first thing is a pregnancy test.  For real!!!  If anyone knows me, I am definitely not pregnant.  I gave them a present in a cup that proved my point.  They gave me an IV and start pushing the juice!  The first was two pills, little pink ones.  I didn’t ask what they were because the nurse who gave them to me rendered me speechless.  I know that is an uncommon occurrence.  Anyways, she said it was Percocet, straight up Percocet.  I just looked at her and said, “Yes ma’am.”  She only gave me a sip of water with it though and damn, I was thirsty.  That was followed by the first bag of something stronger! By the time the anesthesiologist came in I was in a “happy” state.

The anesthesiologist was a hoot.  He looked like some folks Mom would hang out with.  He came in to give me a nerve block in my hip.  He let the kid watch on the ultrasound machine thingy.  She said the conversation went like this:

Me:  Woo, you want to dance?

Doc:  Naaa, I don’t think you can do that right now.

Me:  Why, don’t you dance?

Doc:  No, you’re a little drunk.

Me:  I dance better when I am drunk.

True story, that really happened, I guess!!   It was told to me after.  Katrina said I was quite animated.  I should have had her video it all.  I had had enough happy juice not to remember it.  I was out!

Next thing I know I am waking up and the kid is there.  I said is it done already.  She said, “Yup and I called everyone on the list and updated your Facebook!”  I looked at my leg and there was a huge, black immobilizer on it and I was confused.  I said to Katrina, “What the hell, they were only supposed to operate on my hip!”  She laughed and got the nurse.  The nurse came in and asked how I was and I said awwwwwesome.  I asked for coffee and something to eat.  Obviously I was ok. 

She gave me 2 more Percocet and a bottle of them to take home.  Katrina had to help dress me and then away we went. On the wheelchair ride to the truck I waved to everyone in the surgery unit.  They were all giggling.  I guess I made quite an impression.  Time for the drive home.