Saturday, January 19, 2013

She's With Me----Well, Not Really "With" Me

Time frame:  July 1995
Place: Reunion Arena, Dallas, Texas
Event: Melissa Etheridge-Yes I Am Concert
Persons involved: Me (married at the time to a man, on paper)
                                Peachie (my very straight sister)

My sister came to visit me in Texas while I was stationed there.  I really wanted to see the Melissa Etheridge concert.  Tickets were only $75.00 a piece, so we decided to go for it.  This was going to be fun.  My sister has no idea what she is getting into.
On concert day, we parked the truck (so stereotypical) and started to walk to the arena.  We decided that we were kind of hungry, so we stopped in what was supposed to be a pub.  Well, we were wrong.  It was a fancy restaurant.  Here is the thing, I am kind of crazy and when you add my sister into the mix we become downright Looney.  Well, they had these fancy napkins on the table.  We dissected each one to see how it was folded.  We asked the waiter to give us a class and he did.  By the time we were done we reassembled six swans!  How cool is that.  He earned a big tip for that one.  Now I will be able to “wow” everyone at dinner parties with my swan making abilities! (I couldn’t do that now if you paid me)

When we got to the arena it was packed. Oh My God, I have never seen so many lesbians in one place before.  I took one look at my sister and she was standing there with her mouth open and the “OMG” look on her face!  Priceless!  Peachie said, “Are all these people lesbians?”  Holy crap, I busted up laughing! There weren’t very many males there.  The only ones we saw were gay.  I think my sister was one of the only straight people there, besides the ticket takers.
We stood in line at a concession stand so I could buy a hat.  There was a gay couple behind us.  They kept talking to Peachie about her and me.  Finally she said, “We are sisters.” They laughed and said how cute.  She said, “No, we are really sisters, like biological sisters. Like we have the same mother.”  OMG, they busted laughing.  It took quite a bit of convincing that we were really sisters and that we were not "sisters."  Priceless.

Later on in the same line, some women started talking to my sister.  I watched for a while because I like watching my sister squirm.  Peachie kept looking at me with the “help” look and I just shrugged my shoulders laughing the whole time.  I thought it was funny that someone was putting the moves on my sister.  I finally decided to rescue her silly butt.  I turned around and said, “She’s with me.”  The women said cool and walked off.  My sister wanted to knock the crap out of me.  She still does to this day.  Poor, poor Peachie. 
The concert itself was awesome.  Our seats were pretty good.  We had second level, front row near a railing.  That meant not too much drinking, if you know what I mean.  Well, during one of the songs Melissa’s guitar player started doing a solo and she walked off the stage.   The next thing I knew, she was right in front of us. Like 5-10 feet! OMG!!!  You know what I about did, without having to type it here.  That part alone was well worth watching my sister squirm.

So, if you want to have a fun evening with your clueless, straight sister, take her to a concert where the majority of the attendees are lesbians.  You will have an unforgettable evening of laughs as you watch her with her mouth wide open in shock and while you watch her squirm.  It will be a memorable one, mine was!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

The Hip-da-dip--The Percocet Adventure

The road to hip-da-dip!!!  Yes, it is the Percocet talking! 

January 4th, Katrina and I set out on our road trip to Columbia.  Not the country, but the city in Missouri.  I would have rather been going to the country!  My surgery wasn’t until Friday 0600, but it was a 2.5 hour drive.  I had to stop drinking and eating at midnight.  Driving 2.5 hours at 0400 with a 19 year old without eating or drinking, uh no, not happening.  That meant no coffee either.  I can’t go without coffee first thing in the morning.  So, we got a hotel. 

Before going to the hotel we did the normal thing we do when we go out of town, we ate out.  Texas Roadhouse was the restaurant of choice.   I needed fried pickles!!  Well, we pigged out and headed off to our other place to go when we get to a “real” city, the mall.  Katrina did her usual go nutso thing.  Me, I went to the bookstore and bought a book.  Imagine that.

The hotel was fun.  I drank as much juice, water and coffee I could before midnight.  The beds were extra comfy.   I woke at 0515 and showered and got ready to go.  It was D-day!!  Time to fix the hitch in my giddy-up.

Check in procedures was normal.  The Orthopedic Center looks like an office building, not a hospital.  We checked in and answered and whole bunch of questions.  I was assigned number 499…this is important.  Katrina had to watch the video screen which updated patient’s status by their assigned number.  Hey, they called my name.  Time to get fixed…well sort of.

The first thing is a pregnancy test.  For real!!!  If anyone knows me, I am definitely not pregnant.  I gave them a present in a cup that proved my point.  They gave me an IV and start pushing the juice!  The first was two pills, little pink ones.  I didn’t ask what they were because the nurse who gave them to me rendered me speechless.  I know that is an uncommon occurrence.  Anyways, she said it was Percocet, straight up Percocet.  I just looked at her and said, “Yes ma’am.”  She only gave me a sip of water with it though and damn, I was thirsty.  That was followed by the first bag of something stronger! By the time the anesthesiologist came in I was in a “happy” state.

The anesthesiologist was a hoot.  He looked like some folks Mom would hang out with.  He came in to give me a nerve block in my hip.  He let the kid watch on the ultrasound machine thingy.  She said the conversation went like this:

Me:  Woo, you want to dance?

Doc:  Naaa, I don’t think you can do that right now.

Me:  Why, don’t you dance?

Doc:  No, you’re a little drunk.

Me:  I dance better when I am drunk.

True story, that really happened, I guess!!   It was told to me after.  Katrina said I was quite animated.  I should have had her video it all.  I had had enough happy juice not to remember it.  I was out!

Next thing I know I am waking up and the kid is there.  I said is it done already.  She said, “Yup and I called everyone on the list and updated your Facebook!”  I looked at my leg and there was a huge, black immobilizer on it and I was confused.  I said to Katrina, “What the hell, they were only supposed to operate on my hip!”  She laughed and got the nurse.  The nurse came in and asked how I was and I said awwwwwesome.  I asked for coffee and something to eat.  Obviously I was ok. 

She gave me 2 more Percocet and a bottle of them to take home.  Katrina had to help dress me and then away we went. On the wheelchair ride to the truck I waved to everyone in the surgery unit.  They were all giggling.  I guess I made quite an impression.  Time for the drive home.